Thursday, February 19, 2009

Why do 'not cool' things happen to cool people?

First of all, my Valentines day was... what's a good word? Kaputs! It was my goal to have a girlfriend By February 14th 2009! And guess who failed misserabley? Ha! ME!!! And to remind me of this failure some girl said to me as I'm leaving work "Wade, have a great day being single tomorrow!" Woah, are those fighting words? I should have punched her in the baby makes! I was so bugged! Ha! And for some reason I'm still nice to her face! Go figure!

But this is cool! (sort of) My sister hooked me up with 2 free massages at her massage school on Valentines at her work! But she thought she would be funny and hand me over to some lady who is way more of a man than I am! And stupidly I was butt naked for this massage! Long story short, I totally got a deep tissue massage on my...(don't read this mom) bum cheecks! Ha!

She was getting alittle too into it (if you know what I mean) with her heavy breathing and how she was practically sitting on me! I swore she was going to brake me in half, or worste brake the table! How embarressing would that be if the table broke and my naked body rolls out under the sheet into the next stall! Ha! i'm blushing just thinkin about the occwardness! Anywho, she makes me roll over and I have my hand over... yep! good job! you just read my mind! And she kept reasuring me that I won't get exposed, Hay-O no! I just kept telling her that my hands are cold! Ha! I know her better than that! She really likes her hands on activities!

Oh, and another thing that just made Valentines day even more special! I grew a tumor over night! My lymphnode was huge that morning! The doctor couldn't belive how big it was! First thing he says was "Are you Sexually active? Well what about the last 6 months!" After I said "no" again he gets this wierd look on his face and said "Have you had any body parts in your mouth?" Ha! Do I have 'LIAR' written accross my forhead? Because he wasn't buying it!

But what I'm getting at is, my lymphnode was so big and I felt like I should give this tumor it's own name! Because it was getting alot more attention then I ever get, and my freaky massuge was trying to drain it by using her "techniques" which ended up being bull crap! It just hurt like no other and got even bigger! I will kill my sister if I ever have to go to that lady again! Man it was misserable!

Anywho, my last uncool story of this blog is how my crapy computer made me want to poke my eyes out today! It's been quite a while since I've felt this 'un cooleo' So I found this funny movie that I wanted to show my friend Sean after class, but these 2 girls in the hall were talking as if their Shizzy life was every one's business (AKA:Really Loud) So to I turn my computer as loud as it goes to drown them out, so Sean can see these funny videos.

But for some reason, my computer wanted to take all the days to dd it's downloads and I ran out of time! LAME! So I shut my computer (which usually turns it to 'hibernate mode') and went to my 'Bad words and Taboo' terms class. This class is full of... how do I say this nice? people who like to use bad words, and they're pretty much the summiest/craziest faced people on campus! (I'm just there because I want an easy Humanities credit) So... what I'm getting at is, I just really don't want to make eye contact, or get any attention from anyone, I just want to blend in and learn the the origins of the F-word.

Anywho, In the middle of this lecture my computer finished down loading this movie and must have been proud or something? so it started playing this movie

Female Dictator

It was on the loudest setting blaring in our amphitheater classroom, for the teacher and all the students!
It's kind of like forgetting to turn your cell phone off at church or in an important meeting, but this was way loud and I didn't even know it was coming from me! So it just kept going on and on while I'm being a chatty kathy, talking the girl next to me (she's not completely insane like the rest of the folks) And the whole time I was thinking "huh, that sounds way familiar?" The only way I realised that it was coming from me, was because more and more people kept turning around staring at me! Ha! Dude, I felt like such a butt lick trying to turn it off, which it wouldn't! So I just explained that "My computer has problems! Kind of like how all you have problems!" Just kidding, I didn't say that, but I should have!

And while your watching that video, watch this one also:
Courageous Man

Well, I gotta bounce out of here, the whole time I've been typing this, some kind of powder keeps falling on my head and my black shirt! Is that nomal? Ha! Well, stay tuned for my next post called "I'm covered in Anthrax"

Monday, February 16, 2009

Who picks fights with Girls anyways? Wade does!

The whole reason behind this blog is to tell this story CORRECTLY! Because I usualy find that when people tell my stories they all ways leave out important details which then, makes me look like Idget! (word to your mother: Idget is one word to describe and idiot, midget!)

Anywho, in highschool I took debate, don't ask me why? But that's where this story takes place, in my Debate class! And if any one knows me, they should know that I hate it when people mess my hair up! (Especially in Highschool, when everything actually matters in life! Ha!) You could run your hands through my hair, to make it go "Poof!" And condradulations! You just ruined the rest of my day!

So one day Debate class, I was doing what I do best, -Nothing!- Just being a chatty Cathy, and telling Mitch all these pointless stories. Then out of left field come trotting along Alysha Ann Rodgers (we're such good friends, but... just not on this day) And she thought it would be oh so fun to trim my hair! Nothing big, just really tiny pieces to agravate me! And that's what it did!

I got way mad at her, and stole the scissors out of her hand! But that's not all! Because I was fuming and I tend to think that I have to get the last laugh! So when she went back to talk to her friends, I snuck up behind her and went "snip!" Just to show her a lesson!

'Oh Crap!' I thought 'I cut off way too much!' It was the width of a pencil and was atleast 6 inches long, and it way noticable! So I hurried and stuffed it in the back pocket of my pants, just as she whips her head around. Her jaw drops and she's just glaring at me as I'm holding the scissors
"Just kidding!" I said as I go 'snip snip!' with the scissors! "But it felt real right?"

Ha! I totally got my self out of that one! So as I go back to talk to Mitch, to tell him what I so sneakily did, Shorty Irish girl (who... lets face it, sucks at Debate, but is totally full of all usless knowledge, which is so useless that it wouldn't even come in handy on 'Who wants to be a Millionare') tells Alysha what I just did!

So, Mitch gets this big smile one his face as I'm talking to him, because he can see pissed off Alysha marching up behind me! Then next thing I feel is her hand dive down into my pocket and pull out her clump of hair! (this is the climax) She starts screaming at me, as I'm walking backwards saying "it's just a joke..." (insert my occwar laugh here) "...and you did it to me... ya, I might have cut alittle more, but you started..." She jumps through the air, grabbing my hair and takes me to the floor!

She's a girl, so I can't really do much to defend my self! But, my head is in so much pain and even worste my hair just might all get pulled out! So what do I do? Grab her long hair, twist it and pull! She's still screaming, I don't even remember if she was making words or noises, but it was loud! While I'm making this half laugh and half wimmper, and trying to pull harder!

The whole class seemed to form a circle around us, we'd keep rolling and hit into the desks, then roll the opposite way and hit in to the other desks and keep going back and forth hitting desks until I was finally Saved by the Bell! Fewf! and she finally let go!

The teacher was just glaring us down and said "I didn't I realise I was baby sitting 5 year olds!" so I say in this low tierd vioce "ha..haha....sorry!" and walked out! I walked to my locker, the whole way there I pulled hand fulls of hair off of my my and dropping it in the halls! And Alysha, she taped her hair back on her head for the rest of the week (no joke!) and didn't speak to me for a month!

And that's why people say "Wade picks fights with girls!" Ha!

Friday, February 13, 2009

Are You Cool? (Take the test!)

Nope! You're still a looser!
----Test Complete!----

Friday, February 6, 2009

Take my advice! Cause I'm not using it!

My mom has always told me since I was yea high to a pigs eye to "Be nice at school! But don't be too nice!" Ha! And now I've realized how true she was! I know I'm not a mean person, but I think that's precicly what is leading to my occward moments! (yes, I do know how to spell "awkward" but I think spelling it "o.c.c.w.a.r.d." really emphasizes how bad you don't want to be in that situation)

Anywho, if you haven't known already, I attract the weirdest people; I haven't just done it once, I do it ALL THE DAYS! Ha! And the only reason I can think of, is because I'm nice too the crazies! So they must be thinking "Hey? This the first person who's not mean to me! That must means he likes me!" And that's how my life goes from smooth sailing to a frickin nightmare! I should say "Oh- Hay-O No! I don't want to be friends with you" (that's some Detroit ligo I picked up!) but I can't!

But ya, because of Lame-O's and crazy faces, I have certain paths that I walk inside my work building! And then at school, I know I have to get to class early so I don't have to take the last seat, right next to Thumbaleena (she's the girl with warts all over her thumbs! And lucky for me she talks with her hands alot!)

There's Big tall and creepy who has a fatty crush on me, The girl who acts more like a man than I do! And lets not forget who responded to my add, to be my new college roomate! Ha! The Illigal Imigrants, the 50 year old man, who wanted to be more than "just friends!" and The nudist man, who sent tonz of pictures and just can't figure out why I don't like his pictures! And why I don't want a naked man walking around my apartment!

I have more great, grand and groovie-o-so stories about this topic, but I have to take a shower! And after writing all those rude things in this blog I'm thinking "hmm... I'm actually not as nice as I think I am!" Ha! But it's nice to pretend things that I'm really not!

So take this advice! "Be nice, but don't be too nice!"